My head and heart can’t agree

Christians most often tend to be holier than thou and become so judgemental and forget that it was only by grace that they were saved. In my Christ- like journey, I realised that it was not easy to let go of some of the things that were entrenched within myself and used to define me. Galatians 5:17
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
When we are born again, the person born again who is the new Spirit person inside us still resides in the old person our physical body. The new person wants to dominate the old person but this is not just easy as some of us think because the new person need to be fed the word of God and grow to be a giant that can overcome the old person. My initial conflict was how to relate to God as my father and Christianity is a journey.

I had a conflict within me about “Our Heavenly Father” and you might wonder why did I have a conflict with something so simple. In my head its was logical to call God my Father but my heart will not accept or agree. This was worse when I was in the mist of people who will call God my Heavenly Dad or just Dad. This frustrated me a lot and could not share it with my fellow brothers and sisters for fear of judgement and being misunderstood when not everyone understand that Christianity is a journey

My reaction was caused by the fact that my biological father left me and my mom when I was still in Pre- School. What made matters worse was the fact that he married my mother’s neighbour which meant I would see him regularly when visiting his in laws. I grew up angry with him and the neighbours , I will throw dirt in their yard until my grandmother noticed and she discipled me thoroughly- I hope you understand when I say thoroughly and that stopped the un- becoming behaviour but did not heal the pain and anger.

There were times when I had to create an imaginary father at school especially when I was amongst friends who will be talking about their dad’s. I asked myself what happened between my father and my mother that made him to hate me so much?I also asked myself why was I being punished for their misunderstandings or problems? I could not ask my mother because she did not want to talk about him, and called him “that bastard” and that would end any discussion or questions you had

Now in my Christian life I had to relate to God as my father,that was hard because I knew a father as someone who will abandon you, someone who will reject you and someone who will live life like you don’t exist. I wish fathers could read this so that they can understand the pain they cause in their children’s lives.

I remember this case :One day we were at a conference with my colleague and a lady who was also at the conference, as we were introduced realised the surname of my colleague was his father’s surname. So during breaks she will sit with my colleague and tell him that she has never met her father but was told his surname and its the same surname with my colleague but my colleague did not know the man. In the evening gala dinner on the last day of the conference my colleague decides to tell me about the story of this lady. I got so angry ,that why was she looking for someone who never cared for her? My colleague could not understand the anger and I started crying and left the event and I cried the whole night. The next day my eyes were swollen red and I decided not go to breakfast but pack my bags and go home.This made me realise that even after so many years I was still angry with my father and had buried these emotions for years especially that my dad had already passed on.

I prayed and told God that’s it was hard for me to see and relate to him as my father, and the God who answers in that still small voice said to me “forgive your father“. I asked how, when its hurting so bad and God said take it step by step forgive him for each and everything that he did or did not do. From that moment I took a step to forgive him for everything that came to my mind that required forgiveness. I started by saying I forgive you for …. look at these examples: I forgive you for abandoning me, I forgive you for not being there as my father when I needed you the most, I forgive you for not visiting me when I was sick in hospital for six months, I forgive you for not saying I am sorry for hurting you. I forgive you for the day when fathers were giving their children Christmas presents at the hall and you were not there. I forgive you for ………….. This process took long but it helped me to find peace and start a journey of healing. I still finding things that I have to forgive him for since Christianity is a journey

Photo by JoEllen Moths on

One day on my prayer moments, I hope you understand that there are days when you just pray and the are days when you pray and connect. These are the days I call prayer moments, as I was praying to God as a provider and I asked God when you say you are a provider what does it mean? God brought this picture in my mind which had never meant anything in the past. The vision was about an event that happened when my children were still young, and in the vision which really happened; My children saw an ice-cream man in the street and ran home to their dad and said daddy ice- cream man with their eyes full of excitement and daddy understood this means buy us ice cream. Their dad said go ask him how much and they ran stopped ice- cream man and came back to collect money from daddy, they were full of joy. They went and bought ice cream and came back to eat it in front of their dad who was watching with a smile. God said to me can you see how these children came home to their father knowing he will not disappoint them as their provider also watch the joy in the father’s eyes when he sees them happy. This was an answer that God as a provider was like this dad also God was revealing to me a caring father.

It has been a journey in me finding my Heavenly father and I will share with you in the next episode how it all came together. I now have a Father and an Amazing Dad

Lots of love,lets meet in the next episode

Why complicate something so simple

I made a prayer for healing, I was struggling with a terrible pain from rheumatoid arthritis. It was so painful to even lift up my hands, especially when I was dressing and I would bend so that I make it easy to remove and put on clothes. I prayed, asked to be healed as 1 Peter 2:24
who his own self bare our sins in his body upon the tree, that we, having died unto sins, might live unto righteousness; by whose stripes ye were healed.
and waited with expectation. Whilst waiting my mind was creating doubt that I had been praying to be healed for years now,what will be different with this prayer. Remember in my previous stories I have indicated that I prayed for healing but did not get results. I remember one time my colleague asked me, since you pray so much why are you still sick. My answer to him was even Paul suffered and God said to him 2 Corinthians 12:9
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

After a week as I was waiting expectantly I observed the external piles that I had which has formed small lumps on the outside edge of the anus whereby my GP had adviced to book for operation urgently had vanished . The bleeding and pain was gone and I went to consult for confirmation and GP confirmed that the lumps were gone and he will postpone the operation. God answers prayer

My BP was not controllable, doctors kept on increasing medication.I was taking 5 different pills for high blood pressure only not speaking about other pills for other health issues, below is my reading which was not fine. Normal BP should be 120/80 you can see mine was way too high. The next thing I observed my BP was becoming normal and my pills began to be reduced from five now I am on 3 pills daily see readings below. God answers prayer

My Abnormal BP
My Normal BP

Now the big issue; Rheumatoid Arthritis, Presently I am not having any pain, still get swollen, can lift my hands, I can bend my knee and still praying for cartilage to grow back. Thinking that doctors cannot explain why am I walking, if its not Grace then I don’t know what it is. Let me share with you a story about my trip to Russia where I went with my Colleagues and got sick whilst in Russia and was taken to hospital . When we got to the hospital before I could see the doctor, blood tests and some X-rays were done. I went with the nurse who understood English to the consulting room and when we got in, the doctor and the nurse had a conversation which seemed like they were arguing at last they offered me a chair. I asked the nurse what might be the problem and she indicated that doctor had studied my blood and X-Ray results and was not expecting a walking patient. Then the doctor checked me and asked me which African Herb I was using to be still walking with level 4 Rheumatoid Arthritis. I said I walk by faith not by sight, there is no African Herb I am taking. They looked at me like I have gone banana’s and laughed. Current I can do things I was not able to do, I can bend my fingers, I walk without pain, I am seeing huge improvements and still expecting more everyday. I have learned to say I am not able to do this now but I know I am healed this too is going away. I know its hard but everyday I am expecting more until I am completely healed.God answers prayer

My pain has made me a better person and I understand when someone is in pain because I can relate. It has taught me not to be judgemental, or call people names. I pray that society can stop looking at sick people and thinking their sins are burning them, what sin did I do at thirteen years to suffer such pain. I am grateful for the life I have and I would not understand the mercy and favour to this level. Remember Pray asking, have faith or believe you got and answer, expect results. God wants you to be his Friend and Friends love each other, they talk to each other, laugh together, share secrets and special and painful moments John 15:13-15

Lots of Love see you in my next episode about Encounters

Conversations that changed my spiritual life

How am I sure it was not a conversations in my mind

One time I had this pestering voice, waking me up to pray for this lady who I met through a friend of mine. We were not friends with this lady, it was someone I met maybe three times. The voice will wake me up for three consecutive nights to pray for this lady and I prayed for her protection and to find what she is looking for and I noted this days in my Journal because it was strange. After approximately two months I met my friend who introduced us and I told her about what happened on these days and asked her where is the lady. She just stood there and cried and after sometime she explained that the lady’s boyfriend , had beaten her , stabbed her and thought she was dead. He took her to a jungle and buried her on a shallow grave, she stayed there for three days and was found by boys hunting with dogs and then taken to hospital where Ishe was in a comma for a month but now she is recovering and the dates I am mentioning are the dates she was in the shallow grave. My mind would not come up with this

Another time, I was with my daughter at home and we locked the doors as twe went to sleep as usual. At about 1:00 I heard a soft knock at my bedroom door and I said come in but no one came in,I thought maybe I was dreaming and went to sleep again. I heard the same knock again and a small voice within said wake up and pray. I went on my knees next to my bed and prayed, I slept on my knees with my head leaning on the bed that day. My husband arrived at 4:45 from his trip and found all doors in our home wide open . He found me fast asleep on my knees and woke us up,asking how can we sleep with doors open.We explained that we locked the doors as we went to sleep but can’t explain how all doors are open and nothing stolen. We remembered that the were set of keys that had gone missing long time ago and maybe the person/s who opened used those keys but what they saw or heard I can’t explain but something happened that night. My mind would not come up with this

One day I was in church service and the still small voice told me to tell the gentlemen in front of me that God has heard his prayers and they will have a son. I knew the gentlemen but was not aware that they were praying for a child. After the service I called him aside and told him what I heard.He hugged me with tears in his eyes and left, three months later he came so happy and told me his wife was expecting a child and they were later blessed with a baby boy. My mind would not come up with this.

In all this I am just saying God is speaking to all of us,the question is are we listening? With all the noise and busyness in our lives it is easy to miss the still small voice within that is guiding, comforting and providing wisdom also we must note that what He says must align with His Word.These are just three instances that I am sharing now, I have plenty which I will be sharing in this journey.

Continuing with my question of expectation,as we proceeded to discuss with Holy Spirit, He gave me a scripture to read see below and expressed that 1. Pray and Ask, 2. Believe you have received and 3. Expect to have it. I asked in our conversation that praying and asking is easy but what must I do to show that I believe I have received. He answered very simple, If a child asked his capable father to buy him soccer boots and the father has said yes I will buy them. Does it mean, the child will sit and wonder whether the father will buy or not? But the child will go in confidence celebrating the boots. The problem with you, you not sure whether your Heavenly Father have said yes or is capable but He has already said whatsoever you Pray ask and you shall have them. I made a prayer that same day and asked for healing and also quoted 1 Peter 2:24
who his own self bare our sins in his body upon the tree, that we, having died unto sins, might live unto righteousness; by whose stripes ye were healed.

Mark 11:22-24
22.And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.
23.Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou taken up and cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that what he saith cometh to pass; he shall have it.
24. Therefore I say unto you, All things whatsoever ye pray and ask for, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.

Prayer results in the next episode

Lots of love see you in the next episode

The Un-Expected Answer

The Answer

I got an answer that I was not expecting, which made me to ask further questions. Let me explain summarily what really led me to seek answers

I had rheumatoid arthritis for the past 42 years and during my life journey other health problems developed . I was diagnosed with various health issues, hypertension, deep vein thrombosis (DVT), and piles . This was too much for me , I prayed and also asked others to pray for me, I went to healing school and I was admitted at various hospitals but complete healing did not take place.

As I am going through the journey of finding my healing, I am provided teaching platforms to teach the Word of God and to pray for other people, some get their healing and some not. I hope you understand the dilemma I was facing which made me to ask other Spiritual leaders like reverends, pastors, men of God, prophets, apostles the question; why am I not receiving my healing? These are the answers I got which everyone was quoting a scripture as they were providing solutions and maybe you might be looking for answers yourself

The answers from different Spiritual leaders
You need to fast for longer periods, so that God can get your attention and they quoted; Daniel 1:12 Prove thy servants, I beseech thee, ten days; and let them give us pulse to eat, and water to drink.Daniel 10:2 -3 In those days I, Daniel, was mourning three whole weeks.I ate no pleasant bread, neither came flesh nor wine into my mouth, neither did I anoint myself at all, till three whole weeks were fulfilled.
There is a sin in your life that is holding you, you need to confess it to your elders in church they were quoting.James 5:14-15 Is any among you sick? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord and the prayer of faith shall save him that is sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, it shall be forgiven him.
There might be a blood line curse or generational curse, I did not have a clue what was that and they had to explain that my father’s or mother’s parents or grand parents might have caused this curse by worshipping idols or doing witchcraft etc and they based this on this scripture Exodus 20:5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them, for I Jehovah thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, upon the third and upon the fourth generation of them that hate me,
You need to plant a healing seed, I asked what is a healing seed? The explanation was every seed I bring to church must be for a purpose. This is above 10%, I must plant a seed and tell it that it is for my healing
You have faith issues and I asked what does that mean and the explanation was that Its either I don’t have faith because if I have faith as small as mustard seed, I could move mountains or my faith has doubts which according to James 1:6 But let him ask in faith, nothing doubting: for he that doubteth is like the surge of the sea driven by the wind and tossed.
You must pray in tongues because your problem is too big and it needs you to speak God’s language and confuse the Devil they were quoting 1 Corinthians 14:2
For he that speaketh in a tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God; for no man understandeth; but in the spirit he speaketh mysteries.

This was too much information which meant I will never receive my healing and made me feel like God is a puzzle that is very difficult to figure out. I decided to spend time with God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit because I felt that this is where I would get the correct answer which I know you also waiting for.

As I was praying one day asking the Holy Spirit since He has been given to us as our Counsellor and guider about why people who are strong believers pray to be healed or for financial freedom but their situation does not change or at times gets worse?
Holy Spirit answered and said because they don’t have expectation, this was not what I was expecting as an answer . Then I made follow up and the conversation goes like this:

Me: “ What do you mean, they don’t have expectation?’
Holy Spirit: “ They pray because they have been taught to pray or pray because its a religious way of doing things and that is why if you can ask them what did they pray for last week, they don’t know.
Me: “ Now when we pray,what must we do in order to get answered?”
Holy Spirit:” Your prayer is a conversation between you and God and if you trust that He has received your message you must expect an answer. Don’t just walk away”

This was enough discussion for me for a day, people might ask how do you know it was the Holy Spirit answering? Some I hope have a desire to also hear God speaking to them and I will share in my next episode my experiences and my journey

Lots of love, lets meet in the next episode

My silence journey

Finding what matters

I made a conscious decision to go and look for materials that should be on my blog and the best option was to stop writing and go on a special private and personal journey. It was and still is not an easy journey but now I am ready to share my experiences which I believe most believers struggle with.

My last episode I explained my struggle with Culture and Christianity, my journey was about finding true meaning of scriptures and what we not told but have to discover. I started with Matthew 6:33
But seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. My reason for starting with this verse, was that I am unemployed and need all these things added to me

I had observed devoted women and men of God, struggle to make ends meet and also observed few who prospered. In me starting this journey was exciting because I already had questions which pulpit sermons could not answer and most Christians avoided. I decided to start with my first question as How to seek the Kingdom of God? Righteousness, I knew that I am made right with God by these scriptures:

Romans 10:9-10
because if thou shalt confess with thy mouth Jesus as Lord, and shalt believe in thy heart that God raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved, for with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

My second question was God why are people who I know dedicated their lives seeking your Kingdom but ended up in poverty and sickness? This happened to be my first question by default as I was taking my first step in my new journey.

You can’t believe the answer I got, not from research see next episode

Photo by Samir Belhamra @Grafixart_photo on

My struggle with prayer

Coming from a family that believes in both Christianity and culture was very difficult to pray. As a young girl I got confused on how to pray because One moment we had to inform our ancestors about our issues and another moment we had to inform God about our issues. The question was who will act fast and who made things happen. On top of the prayer dilemma was the worship issue where we will go to different worship platforms.

One day we will go to church and worship God who is a creator of everything and does not want to be mixed with other Gods. We will be reading the word of God and praying for his Devine intervension to help us and lead us on our daily walk. We will say he is our Father and all things are formed by him and we are His creatures that he cares so about, then

The other day we will go to grave yard or my grannies house and bow or kneel and worship our ancestors telling them all our problems and calling on them to meet our older ancestors to protect, guide and shower us with all kinds of blessing.

This was confusing to me as a young girl but it looked normal to my elders. How long did this confusion last…….. What do you think of this practice ?


Less judgment

I was anxiously waiting for after lunch, and it came. We receive notes on our tables providing directions to our prayer venues. Mine was a walking distance to the lake house, others had to be transported to different venues. I walked towards my venue looking at the group members that were walking with me with suspicion, asking myself what religion do they belong to and how are we going to pray together.

We came to the lake house hall sat down on mats, there were no chairs and the group leader welcomed us and requested us to form a circle and make a prayer. Group members closed eyes and started praying, I closed one and stood there listening to hear what they were saying and they closed their prayers with the words “in Jesus Name Amen“. My eyes popped out, did I hear correctly are all religions saying in Jesus Name? We sat and we started with topic the of Judgement, our focus was on prayer and the question was what is the correct way of praying?

People started arguing that you cannot pray sleeping or standing others were saying you should kneel and others were saying you should stand and raise your hands,this became a long debate.The other topic was how long should your prayer be and should it be silent or loud what is correct? Quoting scriptures when praying and quoting names of people you praying for what is right?. People in discussion became so emotional about the debates some started yelling , others were crying and others left the room. My concern was what is going on here? We took a ten minute break and I went to one member and asked, are we mixed religions in this room and the guy said no we are all Christians and asked me whether I was probably lost. I indicated I was a Christian but how did the group know I was a Christian. The guy laughed and reminded me that as I was registering to join the group, I had Indicated my preference of religion. I had totally forgotten about that and I felt so dumb.

We came back and the facilitator asked why were we so emotional about the discussion we had earlier. We discussed and came to a conclusion that the reason was my way is the right way others are wrong. Which meant we judge those who do things differently from us and we must learn as Christians who are founded in love in christ to accept differences and embrace them without judgement.We realised that we come here to pray together but we cannot embrace each other as a church of Christ because of small issues that will not make God not to hear our prayers. The facilitator gave us opportunity to apologise for our small mindedness and also discuss other things that might blind us as Christians. This discussion took a long time moving from my “church” to being one church of Christ build on principles of love. It was too much for all of us, we took a break and most of us were in tears reflecting on how we always thought we were better than others all the time, whereas we always were one body of Christ with different parts

We took another break and when we returned we prayed for various things,like praying for ourselves to know who were are in Christ and for Christ to enlarge our territory and bless us in deed that is Prayer of Jabez. Our last prayer was a four sentence prayer.”Hear God our prayers. Look in favour at our pain. Hear and Act. Don’t delay for we bear your name.” Amen

We finished our session and left the lake to the hotel very late. It was an amazing experience that I will never forget and to me it was a great journey that I will always treasure.