During the time my head and heart were conflicting, I experienced the love, gentleness and kindness of the father in God. He walked with me through my forgiveness and trust issues and not once did He judge me. I realised that God knows we are not perfect, knows that we have accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour and we are born again. Although we still carrying lots of baggage either emotionally, physically, spiritually or financially which we still need to learn to let go of. I am inviting anyone who still struggles with some issues which might be anger, forgiveness,trust,jealousy, bitterness,unfaithfulness , ponography , drugs etc, that you might be carrying this load alone and can’t tell your fellow christian brothers and sisters because you fear how they will respond, know that you can’t hide your struggles from
God knows your frustrations that whatever you are carrying, let it not wear you down until you backslide. God is waiting for you to ask for help. He says in Matthew 11:28Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. What I have learned in my journey of finding him as a father is that he does not bandage our wounds or scars and act like they don’t exist but He takes time to clean the wound and take out all the poison also heal it from the root.
When I was dealing with the issues I had with my father, they were so deep and I had learnt in the process that forgiveness goes with trust. Most of us are not able to trust God completely because we have unresolved issues. Bring them to God, he is faithful and just to be a helping hand and if you cannot trust his hand just trust his heart.
In my journey of healing God never imposed himself as my father, but showed me in so many ways how much he cared and loved me. There were times when I would need a solution for a situation and I would make a small prayer and say “Father can you show me the way out” and in an instant I would have an answer. There was this one time I was lost, late in the evening in a very unsafe place and the GPS kept on sending me to a wrong direction, I was scared and I made a prayer to say “show me direction and please protect me in this place since I am afraid and need you as a father”. I kept on driving afraid to stop and where I stopped it was the place I was looking for. These were some of the instances where I learned to trust him, to know he has my back and cares deeply for me.
There was one incident that really made me see God as a father who cares,respects and keeps his word.My family and I went to Durban with a group of friends one festive season, on this day the beach was full and we went to join the fun. I was playing with my youngest daughter who was then two and a half years, as we were playing I felt a need to go further in the water and there was one lady in our group who was sitting on the sand and I asked her to look after my daughter as I venture deeper in the water and she agreed. A Few minutes later I came out,the lady was still there but my daughter was not there and I asked her where is my daughter and she said that my daughter had run after me. We looked for her and we could not find her, I knelt down and prayed to the father I was beginning to trust and asked him to bring my child back safe since I know that you said You will never leave us nor forsake us I know you are with her right now. Just when I was still in my kneeling position I heard the loud speaker saying we have found a little girl, come and collect her at the safety guards. I became numb and my husband went and collected our baby girl. Our daughter appeared to be tired and exhausted, it seemed she had been swimming alone and the sea threw her out and that is when she was found. I saw the father’s hand in this incident and realised that God is a true father that I need and he was there all the time.
God has been there as a Father all the time, but my focus was on my biological father because I wanted him to love me, care for me and be there for me as his seed. God as a Father was watching over me, loving me and caring for me but I was busy hurting to even notice. God did not give up on me until I came to Him and opened my heart,and he showed me love and taught me how to forgive and learn to trust him.
I am happy for the relationship we have built. I love and trust him as my father and as my close friend, In him I have a friend that I can share my life with. I am happy to be found by Him,I know I was lost and now I am found.
Lots of love see you in the next episode.