My head and heart can’t agree

Christians most often tend to be holier than thou and become so judgemental and forget that it was only by grace that they were saved. In my Christ- like journey, I realised that it was not easy to let go of some of the things that were entrenched within myself and used to define me. Galatians 5:17
For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
When we are born again, the person born again who is the new Spirit person inside us still resides in the old person our physical body. The new person wants to dominate the old person but this is not just easy as some of us think because the new person need to be fed the word of God and grow to be a giant that can overcome the old person. My initial conflict was how to relate to God as my father and Christianity is a journey.

I had a conflict within me about “Our Heavenly Father” and you might wonder why did I have a conflict with something so simple. In my head its was logical to call God my Father but my heart will not accept or agree. This was worse when I was in the mist of people who will call God my Heavenly Dad or just Dad. This frustrated me a lot and could not share it with my fellow brothers and sisters for fear of judgement and being misunderstood when not everyone understand that Christianity is a journey

My reaction was caused by the fact that my biological father left me and my mom when I was still in Pre- School. What made matters worse was the fact that he married my mother’s neighbour which meant I would see him regularly when visiting his in laws. I grew up angry with him and the neighbours , I will throw dirt in their yard until my grandmother noticed and she discipled me thoroughly- I hope you understand when I say thoroughly and that stopped the un- becoming behaviour but did not heal the pain and anger.

There were times when I had to create an imaginary father at school especially when I was amongst friends who will be talking about their dad’s. I asked myself what happened between my father and my mother that made him to hate me so much?I also asked myself why was I being punished for their misunderstandings or problems? I could not ask my mother because she did not want to talk about him, and called him “that bastard” and that would end any discussion or questions you had

Now in my Christian life I had to relate to God as my father,that was hard because I knew a father as someone who will abandon you, someone who will reject you and someone who will live life like you don’t exist. I wish fathers could read this so that they can understand the pain they cause in their children’s lives.

I remember this case :One day we were at a conference with my colleague and a lady who was also at the conference, as we were introduced realised the surname of my colleague was his father’s surname. So during breaks she will sit with my colleague and tell him that she has never met her father but was told his surname and its the same surname with my colleague but my colleague did not know the man. In the evening gala dinner on the last day of the conference my colleague decides to tell me about the story of this lady. I got so angry ,that why was she looking for someone who never cared for her? My colleague could not understand the anger and I started crying and left the event and I cried the whole night. The next day my eyes were swollen red and I decided not go to breakfast but pack my bags and go home.This made me realise that even after so many years I was still angry with my father and had buried these emotions for years especially that my dad had already passed on.

I prayed and told God that’s it was hard for me to see and relate to him as my father, and the God who answers in that still small voice said to me “forgive your father“. I asked how, when its hurting so bad and God said take it step by step forgive him for each and everything that he did or did not do. From that moment I took a step to forgive him for everything that came to my mind that required forgiveness. I started by saying I forgive you for …. look at these examples: I forgive you for abandoning me, I forgive you for not being there as my father when I needed you the most, I forgive you for not visiting me when I was sick in hospital for six months, I forgive you for not saying I am sorry for hurting you. I forgive you for the day when fathers were giving their children Christmas presents at the hall and you were not there. I forgive you for ………….. This process took long but it helped me to find peace and start a journey of healing. I still finding things that I have to forgive him for since Christianity is a journey

Photo by JoEllen Moths on

One day on my prayer moments, I hope you understand that there are days when you just pray and the are days when you pray and connect. These are the days I call prayer moments, as I was praying to God as a provider and I asked God when you say you are a provider what does it mean? God brought this picture in my mind which had never meant anything in the past. The vision was about an event that happened when my children were still young, and in the vision which really happened; My children saw an ice-cream man in the street and ran home to their dad and said daddy ice- cream man with their eyes full of excitement and daddy understood this means buy us ice cream. Their dad said go ask him how much and they ran stopped ice- cream man and came back to collect money from daddy, they were full of joy. They went and bought ice cream and came back to eat it in front of their dad who was watching with a smile. God said to me can you see how these children came home to their father knowing he will not disappoint them as their provider also watch the joy in the father’s eyes when he sees them happy. This was an answer that God as a provider was like this dad also God was revealing to me a caring father.

It has been a journey in me finding my Heavenly father and I will share with you in the next episode how it all came together. I now have a Father and an Amazing Dad

Lots of love,lets meet in the next episode

8 thoughts on “My head and heart can’t agree

  1. I agree with you when you say Christianity is a journey,a journey that we don’t go alone but are led. Led to self discovery and spiritual growth. Very often we carry unnecessary loads on our journey and when they become heavy on us we throw them on others. Playing the blame game. The truth is, no matter how much we throw, the burden we carry is not off loaded, it is like cancer cells that grow back. It is only through the gift of forgiveness that we are released. To be able to forgive is as much a gift as having faith. Your story is touching and surely a testimony of what it means to forgive and rest in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. Stay blessed.


    1. This I shared with a friend who struggled to forgive a person who was close to them. It also helped me.. Being able to talk to God and understand his ways it is not simple.


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